Saturday, October 20, 2007
Hi, Jake! I'm Samantha. How's it going?(or How many points are in that?)
You guys are aware that I am a fattie, right? I don't talk about it a whole lot, but I think I mention it often enough for you regular stopper-inners to know. Wonder why you rarely see photos of me on this blog? It's The FAT.

The FAT has been a major problem in my life for as long as I can remember. I had a momentary time of "thin" during my freshman year and part of my sophomore year of high school. I think I made it down to a size 9. That is very small for me.

And then I started eating. And gaining. And then I had a baby. Then I kept eating. Then I gained some more. And more. Then I had 2 more babies. And I ate. And I gained. But then I ate some more. And gained more, still. See how that works?

Somehow, I turned into this balloon of a woman who I don't even recognize. See, I'm not one of those CUTE fat girls with trendy hair and trendy clothes and cute glasses and nails and beautiful skin. Oh no. I could not be so lucky. I am just frumpy fat. The depressing kind of fat that literally weighs you down until you can barely breathe anymore. Or so it seems.

I don't talk about it here very often because I always feel like when I do, it seems that I am fishing for encouragement, or sympathy or something, when I'm really not. I don't WANT to be pathetic, but I fear that is how I will come across. Even though this is supposed to be a place for me to vent and just say what's on my mind, I still have a hard time doing that.

Another reason to be hesitant for me, is basically, fear. Fear of being laughed at, made fun of, or of having nasty comments left here on my blog. 'Get off your fat lazy butt and lose weight!' 'Stop eating!' 'It's not hard, just do it!' Hmm, I never thought of THAT! Those kind of comments usually come from clueless men or people who have never been overweight a day in their lives. But, why do I care, though, what other people think? It's in my nature. I can't help it. I can SAY it doesn't matter all I want, but in the end, it matters to me. In some weird way, it does. But, I am straying off topic here, a bit.

I have thoughts of being thinner and healthier. I have aspirations of wearing "normal" sized clothes. I want only one chin. I want a stomach, not a gut. I want fewer dimples in my thighs and butt. I want to not be ashamed to be out with my husband and run into someone he knows and just KNOW they are thinking, 'Oh my god. Bubba is married to that?!" (On a side note, it's not fair that men can be big and HOT but for the most part women are fat and frumpy and ugly.)

I want to go to a restaurant and not worry if they seat us in a booth because the damn thing will squeeze me in half. I want to not HAVE to get to school functions early because I don't want to walk in front of everyone and climb bleacher steps in front of everyone and try to squeeze my butt in next to Sickeningly Skinny Woman and have it (my butt) hanging halfway off the end of the row. I want to not be a puller-tugger...you know, pulling and tugging at my clothes to try to both cover the rolls AND not have the clothes so tight as to accentuate each roll. That's hard to do, people. I want to experience size 9 again because I forget what it felt like. I can't close my eyes and picture it or feel it anymore.

Let's not forget about the negative self-talk that I do on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis. 'I am so gross! I will NEVER lose weight! I will always be fat so why NOT eat until I'm sick? Just give up!' You get the picture.

Bubba and I have passed on our lovely fat genes to our children. Sad, but true. I do not want them to be like me. Bubba and I try very hard to help them eat healthily. We kinda fail a lot. But, we do try. Especially in the last 6-8 months. Hopefully some of it will sink in and they will grow up without all of my issues with food. Cross your fingers.

Ok, so, having said ALL of that, I am now going to get to my point. Brianna and I joined Weight Watchers last Saturday. AGAIN for me. I can't even count how many times I've been a member since I was 16 years old. I've never stuck with it long enough to make it an actual lifestyle. I'm trying again. I feel confident this time. I hesitate to write about this because what if I fail? Again? But, here it is. Out in the world for all to see. I'm counting points. I'm drinking water. I'm making good food choices. I'm not binging. And you know what? I am happy. Happy because I feel good physically and mentally, but also because I am NOT going to be afraid to tell you all...

I LOST 5.8 LBS!!!!!!!

Take THAT you stupid FAT. Go away and don't come back!

PS Brianna lost 2lbs. We rock.

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posted by Angie @ 7:17 PM  
12 Comments:
  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger DrillerAA said…

    I've been fat for the last 11 years and I don't like it either. You'll also notice you don't see many pics of me on my blog either.
    If you do, I am usually behind someone. There is a reason for that. And like you, I don't talk about it much on my blog either. I don't like looking at it, so why would I want to talk about it.
    Unlike you, I had a long period of being weight correct. I graduated high school at 6'-0" and 175 lbs.
    I got married at 27 and I was at 195 lbs. which is actually about perfect for me. I was at 205 when I was 40 and still played softball two nights a week. The weight started coming on at 50 and now at 60 it is over 290 and I don't know if I can ever get it off! There was a time when I was the thin brother-in-law. Now, I'm just one of the "Belly Brothers". So, you have my undrstanding not my sympathy. You have my support if you need it... and you have my prayers whether you want them or not. Ok, I feel better now. How about you?

     
  • At 12:05 AM, Anonymous jamie/bellabrynni said…

    How well do I understand. Too well. You know I'm not just saying that I "understand" either because you've seen my Flickr pictures. I could have written this very post. I feel the exact same way. Every word.

    Just know you are not alone. I truly understand.

    (By the way - I love your blog. This is the first time I've commented. I've got to comment more often. I've went back and read some of your archives. I love it.)

     
  • At 2:21 AM, Blogger Thumper said…

    As I read this, I was shoveling Alpha Bits into my mouth :)

    I totally get it. I'm fat and I don't post many pictures of myself, lest I offend the sensibilities of my 4 readers. I make sure the ones I do post don't make me look as flabtabulous as I truly am.

    But in day to day things, I pretty much figure if people don't like me because I'm fat, they can just suck it. There are more fat people around than skinny people. If they start getting all judgmental and up in our food business...well, we'll just have to eat them.

     
  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said…

    I read that the ultra thin nicole Kidman is trying to fatten herself up for a film part!

    My 500th post is up now!

     
  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger Reflekshins said…

    Angie

    People are petty aren't they? To hell with what other people think -- if we consume ourselves with what other people think - it will only serve to paralyze us. But there are people who thing good things - so gravitate toward the good and live happy because nobody will give a rat's behind about your behind 40 years from now when we're all gumming jello

     
  • At 3:40 PM, Blogger craziequeen said…

    hey!! Angie!! 6lbs? That's a fabulous start! [big smile]

    I have just had my annual doctor's appt and I have put on 22lbs since he last weighed me.... :-((
    I blame giving up smoking, but then I have always been big - and tall......big and tall is not a nice mix.

    This week I am signing on for aquafit classes at my local pool, so I should lose some of that extra weight.

    You go, girl!!!

    Do it for you, do it for Bubba and do it for those lovely children....

    cq
    ps. Michele sent me and I'm so glad she did....

     
  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger November Rain said…

    Hi I was sent by Michelle and this is my first time here.

    Boy if only you know how I so understand...

    I wasnt a skingy kit though I wasnt fat either ... I was about average weight...

    I did something stupid and at the age of 13 I started to smoke
    from 14-15 I quit and suddenly put on alot of weight
    I started back and lost it like quickly going from 140 to 127 size 7

    (did I mention I am a shorty on top of it)

    I stayed 127 until I quit smoking because I was pregnant where 1 week before my son was born I weighed 198

    After he was born I breastfed so I kept the weigh on and stayed 140 until I stopped breastfeeding and went back to smoking then suddenly I was 127 again until I quit to get pregnant with my daughter

    the day before she was born I weighed 202 and once again I stayed 140 until yup you guessed it started smoking again after I stopped breast feeding

    From then my weight stay between 127 132

    1998 I quit smoking for good and moved here. I was 127 pounds but started to gain weight

    I weighed 70 kg I got pregnant lost the baby and weighed 78 kilos it has continued to gain...

    80 kilos

    90 kilos and finally 92 kilos

    Funny thing is I dont eat barely ever hungry I have to make myself have my meals or I would go days

    Also I was tired all the time

    This wasn't normal I knew it

    finally after 9 years they found that because of the infections with my kidneys my body triggered the production of antibodies this triggered a high MAK antibodies that attack the thyroids

    if left untreated it causes a person to gain weigh and symtoms include a type of hybernation

    For the rest of my life I have to take medicine

    the dr says its very common in americans and that 9 out of 10 americans suffer from it

    Asked to be checked for CLT or Chronic lymphocyctic thyroiditis
    also have them check for Hypothyroidism (Hypothyroid)my post

    if you have it you will loose a little but will be battling a hopeless battle unless you get on medicine

    I do yoga (and find it is great, I recommend it highly) also look into Ayurveda

    read if you can find it a book called


    Ayurveda: A Life of Balance by Maya Tiwari

    trust me it will change your life

    loose this weigh is great news but the fact that this is did I read right 6th time joining weight watchers means something isn't right there

    sorry I have very little opinion with WW club...

    I am sure if you give Ayurveda a try with a daily yoga practice some walks and to have the dr check your thyroids

    you will have a better outcome in the long run....
    the book I recommended, the woman had cancer and was dying there was no hope for her and when she turned to Ayurveda well... read the book

    it will inspire you...

    This is because it teaches you how to read your body and food

    you will love the recipes and starting your kids early is a great way to ensure their future

    I wish I started earlier with my kids but I found this way to late...

    best of luck

     
  • At 6:00 PM, Blogger Smiler said…

    Bravo! That is a very brave post. That took balls. You actually taught me a thing or two about what it's like to be fat in this thin-obsessed world. I'm one of them by the way. Thin obsessed. I'm by no means skinny, not remotely, but I've always obsessed about THAT. Not being skinny I mean, and always had this weird distorted image of myself as being a very big person. That balooned (pun sort of intended) into a serious eating disorder that lasted many many years. I talked about it in therapy, but that didn't help because most therapists didn't take me seriously: I looked too healthy. The more I worried about it, the more I binged. And then one day, I just decided to stop with the diets, and stop making myself sick and figure out how to DEAL with whatever was driving me to binge/purge so much.

    All this to say that... no matter what kind of issues a person is facing, often times what we THINK is the problem is only symptomatic of something else. And when you figure out what that something else is, then you'll be cured for real. And at that point, a person can decide either a) live with the status quo, because it just works for them or b) make the necessary changes.

    I have a lot more to say on this issue since I've had my share of battles, but I think I'll stop there and just start my own blog post about it eventually. When I feel brave enough.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Michele says hi by the way.
    :-)

     
  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger Bernie said…

    My wife, and I to a lesser extent, are in a similar situation...

    Except, I keep telling her, and I will now say it to you...

    You are not fat, but a person of a lovely size, a real size woman!!

    Weight is a fight, so well done for your loss so far (and to Brianna as well...). L is on a diet at the moment, and in the 4 weeks she has been doing it, she has lost just over 12kg, almost 2 dress sizes as well!!

    Thanks for stopping by burntofferings and more at bernies fotoblog

     
  • At 7:20 PM, Blogger kenju said…

    Angie, 5.8 pounds is a wonderful start, and I hope that every pound you lose will convince you to stick with Weight Watchers. My mom lost 80 pounds with Weight Watchers (back in the 70's) and she said it was the only diet she ever tried that she didn't starve to death while she was on it. Good luck!!

     
  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger barbie2be said…

    oh angie, trust me when i say most of us have all been there. after a lifetime (44 years) of being not just fat but super morbidly obese i had weight loss surgery. not a gastric bypass but another, new surgery where they remove 90% of your stomach. i lost almost 200 lbs. then my asthma and sinuses decided that they wanted to sabotage me. i ended up being on steroids for almost 8 months and gained back almost 10 lbs per month. that's right. i gained back 80 lbs in spite of not having a normal stomach. and i would say 95% of that gain is my own fault because i made some REALLY poor choices food wise. but now, i am back to eating healthy and walking 5 miles every day. i'm going to beat this monkey right off my back, adn you can do it too!

    thanks for stopping by my blog today, even if it was because michele sent you. :)

     
  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger Cristie said…

    AMEN SISTER!!!

     
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