Sunday, December 17, 2006

I'm going to do it (a long and drawn out post. be warned.)

I printed out the application. I have my audition tape planned. I am going to apply for the next season of "The Biggest Loser."

On the surface, it may seem silly to some. Reality tv shows are stupid, silly, etc... That is what a lot of people think. Not me. If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I watch lots of reality tv. It's purely entertainment. My feeling is that I spend all day being serious. I spend most of each and every day having to be mature and professional and when I finally get "me time" at night, well, I really don't need to think. I want to just veg out sometimes. No, that's not entirely true. I just like to laugh. Reality tv is so cheesy...it makes me laugh. But, now I'm kind of digressing.

Watching The Biggest Loser the past couple of years has both depressed me and inspired me. The people on the show feel what I feel. They are ME. The tears they cry are tears I cry myself.

I don't talk a lot about my struggle with The Fat on this blog, but I have mentioned it from time to time. I'm here to tell you that my fat, and also food, consumes me and almost my every thought. Though I have struggled my entire life to eat right and lose weight, it's just been in the last probably 10 years that it has become a constant source of depression, pain, frustration and any number of other emotions.

You see, I KNOW that I have a food addiction. I know this. I KNOW I am fat. No one needs to tell me. Fat. Fat. Fat. It's a word that some people use to hurt and it's a word that still others are just afraid to say. But I'm not afraid to say it. I'm not plump. I'm not fluffy. I'm not chunky or chubby. I am FAT.

How did I get FAT? I eat. Sure, obesity runs in my family on every branch of the family tree. I will not ever use that as an excuse. I eat. I like food. I use food as, well, all kinds of things. Mostly, I use it as comfort for every emotion I ever experience. I eat when I am happy, sad, mad, frustrated, stressed, bored...you name it, I want to eat. We're not talking carrots and celery either. I'm sure you already knew that, though.

Topping it all off is my sedentary job and my basically sedentary lifestyle in general. Bubba spoils me in that he does everything for me. I don't even have to do laundry. Seriously. No, I'm not blaming him for anything, but when I get home from work, I really don't have to do a thing. My exercise is walking from the living room to the bathroom. I've become extremely lazy.

I think that tells a lot. I've become lazy and I've just sort of given up. I know how to lose weight. I feel like I'm too far gone to even help myself. I feel desperate and at the same time I feel hopeless. I consider weight loss surgery. I consider Weight Watchers. I consider menu plans and lifestyle changes. I start lifestyle changes and before they can even become habit, I give up. I actively DO many things to try to change the way I feel and look. I fail every time.

Most of all, I think I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I have become this fat person with seemingly no self-control. I don't want to run into people I went to school with because of the way I look now. I was kinda thin and cute back then. Not now. I balk at meeting any of my favorite and best blog friends because of the fat. I have pushed friends out of my life over the years and the fat has a lot to do with it. I do NOT go around the softball complex where Bubba works all summer long. Are you kidding me? There is NO WAY I want all those people to see Bubba's fat wife. No way. I hate going to crowded places where many people may be looking at me at the same time. You know, like sporting events, marching band competitions, etc... And oh my sweet lord don't even make me go to the mall! Every person at the mall weighs 100 lbs and dresses cute and has great hair. Nope, not for me.

See? It runs deep. There are so many other things I could get into here in describing me and my fat and how it has..how I have let it..affect my life. I won't though. I don't want this to be THAT depressing of a post! (too late)

My daughter is going to help me put my video together and I asked my brother in law if he will transfer it to DVD for me before I send it in. It scares the frickin' crap out of me to put myself out there. But I'm doing it. You know, the funny thing is that I am not worried about all the millions of strangers that would see my fat were I to make it on the show. I am more worried about the people I KNOW. My family, my co-workers, my blog-friends. It makes me sweat and palpitate at the thought!

Bottom line..what do I have to lose by applying for The Biggest Loser? Besides weight, nothing. What can it hurt? If I don't apply, I will regret it. And please, before anyone makes comments, I KNOW the odds. I KNOW that chances are, my application and tape will be tossed aside. But, I'm doing it anyway. Too many times in my life I haven't done something because of fear. So, I might as well go for it. Again, I say, what do I have to lose?

I didn't write this to make anyone feel sorry for me or for anyone to tell me, "You can do it! You can lose weight!" I know that. I just really wanted to blather on about me and my fat. Is that so wrong?

Labels: biggest loser, the fat, weight loss

posted by Angie @ 11:30 PM

8 Comments:

At 12:21 AM, dieselfire said…

good luck with your audition!
At 12:37 AM, Thumper said…

I totally get it...The Biggest Loser is the only reality show I've ever wanted to be on. If I thought I could make an even half assed audition tape, I'd be right there with ya trying to get to the ranch.
At 1:04 AM, Anonymous said…

GOOD LUCK! I love that show!
If a pastry chef can do it, so can yoU~
At 12:30 PM, Jose said…

Well I won't comment on the FAT part of your post, but I will comment on the fact that this is your first long post in a long time, wow you had me doing some serious reading there. Good luck on making the show, maybe if you get selected and come out on it I will ask you for an authograph plus it will be nice to say, "Hey that's my friend Angie on that show!"

Angie, have a Merry Christmas, it's been nice getting to know first through Slim's site and then your blog.
At 2:24 PM, Anonymous said…

Alrighty! You put in the tape... and if I get to at least see the audition tape (put it on youtube or something) I'll make one for me to go on Survivor...

Deal?
At 5:12 PM, Anonymous said…

Mmm, I'm still waiting for my call back for Survivor which is also a good reality show that will help people lose weight (albeit a less healthy way).
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous said…

First time commenter, but I've been reading a little while. Go For It!! I've thought about doing it myself, but I just don't have the time in my job to be away that long (because of course I'd be the biggest loser and not get voted out). :) I can't wait to hear how it turns out!
At 11:16 PM, Anonymous said…

Girl, as you already know, we are very much alike. While reading this, I felt like I had written it. But one thing is different, I couldnt do it. I just couldnt audition. I am a BABY. You, do it, you make that tape and send it in. I will watch the The Biggest Loser for the first time ever to see you on there! I cant wait!